I Live in Fear

I recently stated that I was not afraid of my children.

I would like to formally retract that statement.  
I am very afraid of my two youngest children--Cannon and George.  Cannon more than George, but really both of them. 
I am afraid of them when they are awake.  I live in fear when they are asleep that they will soon be awake. 

You don't have to tell me how bad that sounds.  I know.  But if you had heard the crying at my house over the past week (if you are a neighbor of mine you probably have heard the crying), you would understand how I feel. 

I wrote of a rather lengthy post a couple of days back about my current struggles with my two littlest people.  I complained about all sorts of things that were making life very challenging at the moment like teething and diaper rash, incessant crying, spewing baby food all over as yet another meal is rejected, whining, hitting, destroying property, peeing on the floor, putting things in the toilet that do not belong there, riding the tricycle to the neighbor's house a block away without permission (permission would never be granted to a 3-year-old anyway).  And to top off my reasons for mental and physical exhaustion--George who was very close to being completely weaned, did an about face and not only is he not weaning, he's firmly reestablished himself in the world of lactation.  I'm pretty sure that alone is wreaking havoc with my body and mind. 

Anyway, that was the gist of what I wrote about.  But before I posted I watched a music video that a friend posted on Facebook that was all about was a blessing it is to be a mother.  She was so grateful for her children.   

Oh great.  So then I felt guilty and exhausted.  Not a healthy combination.

And I deleted my complaints and tried to think grateful thoughts.  That helped my state of mind.  I ate some chocolate and went to bed.  That helped, too.

Tomorrow morning I will take Clark to his football game.  Abe and the girls will be off on a little adventure, so it will just be the boys and me.  I am taking a backpack full of toys and snacks to try to keep them pacified to I can watch a bit of the game.  But I'll just tell you, I am scared.  I don't think it's going to be pretty.   

Listen to me... I sound like a crazy woman.  How hard can it be to entertain a three year-old and a one year-old  at a football game for 2 hours?  Oh help!  I think I'm going to need to stop at Walmart and get Cannon a Spider Man action figure for leverage.