A Trip to Zion

A couple weeks back Abe dropped Bethany off to her Lyceum Music Festival in American Fork.  The orchestra hopped onto a bus and several big vans and headed down to Zion National Park-- or thereabouts.

 Bethany had a very busy summer and was gone from home at least as much as she was at home.  I quite missed her!  She was pretty worn out herself and as much as she has loved the music festival the last couple of years, she somewhat dragged herself to pack up and leave home yet again.
She rarely had any cell phone coverage so we couldn't check in with each other.  Once again, I missed her.
Abe and I had talked about making a short trip to Zions for their Friday night culmination concert in a beautiful outdoor amphitheater with a gorgeous, towering red-rock backdrop.  But Abe needed to work and I'd already been gone a lot during the summer and we decided this was one of her concerts we'd just have to miss.

I woke up Friday morning and after a morning walk with my little ones, I started doing the dishes-- a more daunting task than usual as my dishwasher has been broken for three weeks.  Blah.  And to make matters worse, my washing machine broke on the very same day!  SAY WHAT??  We are in the process of getting them fixed, but in the meantime we are rationing clean dishes and clothing and I'm getting better acquainted with the local laundromat.  Double Blah.  But I digress.

So I was doing my dishes, when the Spirit said to me in no uncertain terms, "Betsy, you must go down to Zions and go to this concert!"
I called up Abe, told him my idea and he suggested I get right on it and make it happen.  I thought about taking Elinor and Faith and making it a girls trip, but that didn't feel quite right.  Then I called up my sister and visiting friend from England and miraculously they were game!  The idea was pitched about 10:30 am and we hit the road at 1:30 pm.

Bethany called us about 2 hours into the drive because she had some cell coverage.  We chatted for a few minutes and I told her how sad I was that I wasn't going to be able to come.  It was just too far and we had too much going on.  Hee hee hee, I was so tricky!
I just prayed she wouldn't have any more coverage and wouldn't call home or Abe.  I wanted to see her surprised face when she saw Brig, Naomi, Greta and I.

And Oh!  What a good surprise it was.  Her face was priceless! I was slightly freaking out about the speed she was running while holding her violin!  I was thinking, "Please don't trip!"

I count that moment as one of the most joyful moments of my entire parenting life.  I knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be that evening.

The music, the setting-- it just took my breath away.  Nathan Pacheco was the guest artist and his beautiful, classically trained tenor voice was so moving. 

I did have to manage Greta throughout the concert, but she was pretty good and I was just so happy to be there that I didn't mind.
The orchestra played Copland's "Appalachian Spring" and when the full orchestra played the broad melody of "Simple Gifts" I was moved to tears.  I felt so grateful for the goodness of God in allowing his children such sublime pleasures in this life.

It was pretty much one of the best nights of my life.
But that wasn't all.  One of the miracles of this adventure came about on the car ride down.  Put a bunch of women in a car for a road trip and there will be good conversation! 
I have had several ideas floating around in my mind for several months.  Ideas about focusing on what is most important, restructuring our homeschool so there is time to do those things we deem most important.  Ideas of acceptance of where we are while still striving to be better, and ideas of reevaluating what we really want to accomplish in our family. 
Here are four books I have read and have greatly influenced my thinking this summer.

 

An oldie but a goodie.  More than a goodie.  It's the best.  It's plain and clear and applicable now and I feel Heavenly Father and Christ's love throughout its pages.  May I highly, highly recommend it!

  

Oh, my, my, my!  Have you heard of this book.  I LOVED it!  Life changing for me.

 

This veteran homeschooling mama needed this book.  Big time.  Sadly, it is not about homeschooling from your bed-- although that sounds lovely.  Really good.

I came upon this little gem as I was looking for another title I'd heard of and wanted to read.  I'm so glad I did.  In some ways I thought, "How does this woman know what goes on inside my head?  How did she get a hold of my internal dialogue?"

It was with the ideas of these four books tumbling around and some good discussions with friends over the summer, that I got in the mega-van to drive to Zions.  I knew I needed to change some of my thinking and I knew I was on the right track, but I felt there were some pieces missing and I wasn't quite sure how to proceed.  

I don't know exactly how it happened, but the eyes of my understanding were opened and I learned things on this trip.  Four hours of talking with my sister and Naomi, and the pieces of the puzzle in my mind fell into place. As fun as it was to surprise Bethany and as beautiful as the concert was, THIS was why I needed to go to this concert.

Some of my thoughts I am going to share might not be that meaningful to anyone else.  Maybe I needed to learn things lots of other people already know.  That's just fine.  I need to record this for myself so I can remember.

I'll begin by saying there is a word that my children frequently say to me.  I have frequently said it to them and to myself.  It's not considered a swear word, but I find I loathe this word.

SHOULD.

For years I have hated when my kids say to me,  "You should make such and such for dinner."  "We should go to such and such place".  "We should watch this or that movie".
I didn't know exactly why that word bothered me so  much.  It would not be offensive to say, "Hey, I'd really like to eat this, or go there, or do this."
But by saying we should somehow suggested we were doing something wrong if we didn't do whatever it was.  It bugged me. Bad.  I basically forbade them to say I should do something.

So one of the main things I came to understand is how damaging the "should mindset" is.  There is no should.  There is only what is.  It doesn't matter where you should be.  There is only where you are. You can want to choose to be something more.  You can see better things will await you someplace else.  But should really means you think something is good, but you don't want to do it.  Heavenly Father invites us to choose better, to want something more than what we currently are, but he doesn't should us.  He meets us right where we are in love and acceptance.  HE LOVES US COMPLETELY just as we are.  His love for us is not dependent on the choices we make.  Our value is set and nothing we do or don't do will change it.  Our peace and happiness, however,  are very much dependent on the choices we make, but not his.
We can choose as much light and goodness as we want.  His blessings are forever raining down on us and we can enjoy them as much as we're willing to obey and choose the good.

So now, when I say in my mind, "I really should be more organized" or "I should get up earlier in the morning" or "I should eat healthier"--- I am going to change what I say to myself.
Now I want to say, "I want to choose to be more organized" or "I want to choose to get up earlier in the morning", or "I want to choose to eat healthier".
And if I am not at a place where I want to, or am ready to make those choices, I am going to be patient with myself.  I will accept where I am and trust that I will be ready to make better choices in the future.  I am not going to berate myself or expect perfection from myself.  Heavenly Father doesn't do that to us.  I want to choose not to do that to myself and I want to choose not to do that to other people.   He doesn't shame and badger and berate. He invites and he entices us to do good.   He says come unto him, do good, keep trying, repent when you do wrong, love others and trust that his grace is sufficient to get you to where you need to be.

I have learned about trade-offs that happen because we make choices.  When we choose one thing, we inherently don't choose something else.  If I consistently choose to stay up late to enjoy quality time with my husband or take care of projects I'm working on, I won't be able to consistently wake up early in the morning.  That is the trade-off.  If I choose to cart my children around to lots of activities in the evening, I won't be able to have a calm, healthy family dinner together every night.  That is the trade-off.  I must patiently accept the trade-offs of my choices.  I choose to accept where I am right now and what I'm learning right now-- always trying to shape my desires by learning of him and praying to him.
I have learned that it is not our job to perfect ourselves.  That is His work and His glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.  We are to come unto Him and be perfected in Him.  It says, be perfected, not perfect yourselves.
I understand this to mean we can relax a little.  We can trust and find more joy in life.  Shaming and should-ing ourselves is not humbly submitting ourselves to his will.  In essence it is throwing a little temper tantrum that we can't make ourselves perfect on our own, right this very minute.  I want to trust that He knows what He is doing with me.  He knows what we are ready for and we can trust that He will do "His work and His glory" and He will perfect us as we strive to "deny ourselves of all ungodliness and love God with all our might, mind, and strength..." I want to do my part and humbly and patiently let Him do his.
And we can be patient and loving to those around us as well.  Knowing that they are taking in as much goodness and light as they are able and ready too.  They are His work and His glory as well.  He will work with them.  If they are not obeying commandments, it is sad for them to miss out on happiness and joy that could have been theirs.  Hard things will follow because wickedness never was happiness.  I can let them work out their salvation before God and continue to love them.
I don't want to should the commandments.  I want to choose the commandments.  I don't want to do it because I have to, but because I want to.