Confiscation Requests

Hello Friends,
I am begging someone--anyone-- to come to my house and confiscate the following items. They are reaking havoc on an already fragile home-life.

1. The chocolate. Take it away. All of it. The dark chocolate out of the freezer. The bags of chocolate chips in the basement. The freaking cocoa powder! The hot chocolate mix. Take it away. I cannot be trusted with it and I obviously have a complete lack of judgment.

2. All of the artsy/crafty supplies. Most especially the construction paper and perler beads (count yourself lucky if you don't know what those are). The girls are BIG TIME into creative (messy) projects right now. Jeez, why can't they just veg out in front of the TV? Oh, that's right--I won't let them.

3. The spiders. Clark keeps telling me about the "humongous spiders" he's finding in his dungeon/cave/bedroom in the basement. I have a pretty serious spider phobia, which I am proud/sad to say I'm passing on to my children. Even Cannon holds up both hands, wiggles his fingers and says, "Ider"!
I'm feeling anxiety about going down to the basement to get a can of soup.

4. The vegetable oil. Yes, please come take our vegetable oil away. Since I'm occupied with nursing a new baby for several hours of the day, the older kids are having their way in the kitchen. Truth be told, I did beg Bethany to make me some brownies today. I told you, I'm a desperate woman. Clark has made us french toast. But here's the problem, they've seen me put a bit of vegetable oil in the pan when I cook. What they didn't understand was it was just a light coating. They are pouring massive amounts of oil into their pans, rendering the food they've prepared somewhat inedible. But thank you for trying.

5. The gummi bear vitamins. I use to let the kids help themselves to 2 gummi vitamins a day. Strangely, they were disappearing way faster than they should have. Imagine that. So I instituted a new rule that you could only have your gummi vitamins when I personally handed them to you. You are not to touch that bottle at all. Like I said, I'm a little busy with the baby and they all keep asking numerous times a day if they can have their vitamin. But I've forbidden anyone to touch the bottle, and I can't usually get up and get it when they ask, so instead I am fielding the question about 15 times a day-- "Can I have my gummi?"
CURSE THE GUMMI VITAMINS! And when did my children become so health conscience all of a sudden? Go eat your oil soaked brownie!