I Was Wrong Part 1

 Deep breath.

Another one.

I think I'm pretty much caught up on current event blogging.  I started lagging behind around Halloween, and it has been a struggle for me to find the time or desire to get caught up.  I really do like keeping this blog and find it to be an enjoyable and practical way to record our family history.  However, what I find the most beneficial aspect for me, personally, is the opportunity to reflect-- that is to consciously and intentionally choose how I want to think about myself and my people and the ups and downs of life.

And with that, I now have some time (while sitting at a swim meet for three days) to reflect on the last few months-- nay--the last few years.  They have been quite the ride and they have changed me.  I am not what I once was.

A few years back, when my kids were all younger, it was enjoyable and often humorous to share the woes of parenting young children.  I could air my grievances on Facebook or this blog.  You may remember a little series a while back entitled, "Why Peter is Melting Down".  Funny stuff.   Lots of moms could relate, and in turn, share what adorably frustrating antics their little darlings were up to.  I could publicly share my challenges at book clubs, girls' nights out, family gatherings, church functions, or pretty much anywhere and with anyone who would listen.  It was so satisfying to feel so heard and understood and to know I wasn't alone in my struggles.

And then Clark hit (my oldest) hit the teenage years, and I realized he was his own person, not just an extension of me.  I needed to respect his privacy and his right to speak for himself in the world.   It wouldn't be right for me to publicly air my worries/frustrations about his growing pains.  Even though, his growing pains seemed to be the source of my growing pains, I no longer felt at liberty to share my experiences so openly.  That change in how I thought of him didn't happen overnight, it was a process-- and a rather uncomfortable process at that.  So while I know I overstepped that boundary far too often, it has been my intention to honor his individual identity.  However poorly I executed those intentions.   

My oldest always craved independence.  Autonomy seemed to be his number one desire.  He was always an adult trapped in a child's body and consequently, the older he got, the more comfortable he became in his own body.  So while it seemed he relished and embraced his newfound self-direction, I was reeling inside.  I don't believe my experience is singular, rather I'm guessing lots of moms can relate to the discomfort of somewhat unwillingly passing the torch of control to their offspring.  

Was the discomfort of this transition exacerbated by the decision to homeschool?  To take on such a weighty responsibility as both parent and chief educator?  Perhaps.  But that is a post for another day. 

At this stage of my life, the ages of my living children are 23, 21, 19, 16, 14, 12, 8, and 6.  Three children are out of the house.  

The two youngest are in that magical stage of childhood wherein there are no diapers, no bedwetting, independent bathing and grooming, independent running to friends' houses to play, and independent reading.  Tantrums are minimal to non-existent, sibling squabbles are easily resolved, and compliance with parental requests is relatively painless and prompt. 

The middles are in the calm before whatever their form of stormy adolescents will take.  I won't think about that right now.  And I won't go into any detail (see previous paragraphs), but #4 is just about to turn 17, and at this point, all four of the oldest kids have surprised and stunned me and delighted and disappointed me.  They've each done just what I dreamed and envisioned they would do, and they've done what I hoped and imagined they would NEVER do.  

For about ten years I've been worrying, pondering, praying, studying, listening, and striving to understand my role as a parent, my stewardship to my children, my relationship and duty to our Heavenly Father, my respect for myself, my identity as an individual, daughter, wife, mother, sister, friend, member of my church congregation, neighbor.  

For my own benefit, I'm going to discuss a few ideas I've come to believe I was wrong about and what I think is a more helpful, healthy way to think about myself and life in general.

Where did I ever get the idea that there is a right and best way to be in the world?  I think I've always believed this.  I'm not referring to honoring and obeying the commandments of God.  For me, those are non-negotiable.  The existence of god and our relationship with him is foundational to my beliefs.  Rather, I'm meaning that some personalities, preferences, interests, hobbies, characteristics, fashion choices, socio-economic standings, professions, lifestyles, and family systems were inherently superior and more desirable, while others were less worthy or good.  

I have spent a lot of mental, physical, emotional, and physical energy (both consciously and unconsciously) pursuing this best, right way to be and live.  Growing up in the military, with frequent moves and life "restarts", it was critical to be able to quickly read a setting, note who the important players were, and figure out how to integrate myself.  My social standing depended upon it.  And I was good at it.   And then I majored in sociology in college so I could formally study the science of how groups of people behave based on their characteristics.  So I got even "better".  I came out of college even better equipped to, equal parts, envy or judge people's life choices and lifestyles.  

But I think I got it wrong.  My 8 children have vastly different personalities.  They look different.  Their gifts and talents are different.  They each relate to me differently.  They don't like to wear the same clothing styles.  Some like to clean bathrooms.  Some loathe sweeping the kitchen floor.  Some like to stay up late and then sleep in Some relish the early mornings.  Some are tender-hearted, some are witty, some are without guile, some have very active intellects, some are very creative, some are very athletic, some are highly driven, some are so kind, some are very sensitive to spiritual things, some read people well, some can remember anything they ever read in minute detail, some are leaders, some are remarkable friends, some are introverts, and some are extroverts.  You get the idea.  I adore them all.  I think they are magnificent and interesting.  I think they are all destined for great things.  I would never suggest that one of them is better than another.  

God delights in us as individuals.  The plants and animals were, at least in part, created to beautify and give variety to the earth.  The purpose of our mortality is to come to a place (earth) where we could learn from our experience to choose the good over the evil.   And that can be accomplished in a very wide variety of experiences.  If the Lord can consecrate any "affliction" for our gain, then surely he can do the same with any personality, personal preference or prosperity marker.  

The Lord esteems all flesh as one.  He does not value some kinds of people over other kinds of people.  He treasures the receptionists, athletes, chefs, musicians, engineers, cashiers, lawyers,  professors, marketers, janitors, CEO's, policemen, politicians, teachers, prostitutes, accountants, models, and truck drivers.

He adores the gregariously outgoing, the contemplative, the comedic relief givers, the patient listeners, the philosophers, the organizers, the goal setters, the creative geniuses, the considerate souls, the make-it-happen dynamos, the take-time-to-smell-the-flower folks, the happy-go-lucky, the nervous Nellies, the fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants people, the cross-every-t-dot-every-i-types, those who like to schedule their every waking moments, and those who are easily overly stimulated need plenty of down time.  He likes how we are.  He sees value in all these characteristics.  He can and does use all kinds to move his purposes along.  

He delights to see us enjoying snowboarding, drawing, mountain biking, bull-riding,  snake-charming, magic tricks, amusement parks, recording and listening to podcasts, directing movies, building blanket forts, home decorating, gardening, running, performing in marching bands, golfing, acting, singing, dancing, writing, taking photos, surfing, building sand castles, playing board games, watching movies, painting, fishing, doing hair and nails, pleasure reading, adventuring on a D&D campaign, or anything virtuous, lovely, of good report or praiseworthy.  He has provided so many options for enjoying our sojourn on earth.   We won't have time to chase every worthy pursuit, and we might not enjoy all of them even if we could.  But how good of him to provide such an endless array so that we could choose what we want to do.

Someone else being or doing something that I am not doing DOES NOT MEAN I am missing out or doing anything wrong.  Nowhere does God say you should be like your neighbor.  Love our neighbor?  Yes.  Be like them?  No.  Rather than looking around to see what kind of life and way of thinking we should adopt, it is markedly better to look to ourselves and ask "What do I desire?"  And infinitely better to ask God, "What desirest thou?"  It is highly unlikely that either will match the desires of or for your neighbor.  

Moving forward, I hope to experience gratitude for who I am and who everyone around me is-- First and foremost --A CHILD OF GOD.  In this life, I, and everyone around me, will take on many other titles or labels that are chosen or are assigned by others-- They will be of a wide variety, many of which are pleasing to God.  Not a problem.  Not one of them will ever supercede the truth that God, the Father and His Son Jesus Christ love us, adore us, delight in us and like us.  We don't get to decide how God feels about us.  We aren't that powerful.  He is ever merciful and I suggest even his "justice" is in fact, his merciful methods to bring our hearts and minds to a rememberance of who he is and who we are in relation to him.

Our value as His children is set and non-negotiable.  We can look to him to learn of not only our individual identity and worth, but to understand the fundamental value of every single person.  Rather than feeling envious or judgmental of those we see around us, or feeling we should be more like them, with God's grace, we, too, can learn to love, treasure, adore, and delight in the differences that beautify and give variety to God's children.