To give you some background, I have been a striver, a climber, a high achiever all my life. I don't ever remember a time when I didn't think about wanting and trying hard to be good at things. Not just good. Whatever endeavor I undertook, I wanted to excel.
I was smart but wanted to be really smart. I was in a higher grade reading level in elementary school. I won a Young Authors contest, in fifth grade, a city-wide essay contest, I remember weeping over a B. I was in honors classes in high school. I graduated from Brigham Young University. I have voluntarily read markedly more classic literature since ending my formal education, just because I want to understand the world more. I regularly contemplate the feasibility of going back for a master's degree.
I played piano and trombone, but I wanted to be really good at music. So when my parents decided I had had enough lessons to be somewhat useful as a pianist, they no longer required I take lessons. So as a teenager, I begged them to please let me take from a really good teacher. Even now at the age of 45, I run a thriving piano studio and love to practice and drill music theory for fun.
I thoroughly enjoyed marching band and symphonic band in high school. When I moved halfway through my sophomore year and joined a far superior program than I had come from, I had to work extra hard to catch up, so I did. But it wasn't enough to just be in the band-- I wanted to be drum major. So I auditioned and got the job and spent the whole summer preparing. I knew the music inside and out and I won drum major awards in competitions.
I was spiritual, but I wanted to be really spiritual. I read scriptures and prayed and attended early morning seminary and encouraged a Bible study group with friends of other faiths. I plead for years for my parents to send me to EFY.
I wanted to get married and become a mother so I started having babies. I bore nine babies.
When considering educational options for said children-- after reading lots of books and attending multiple conferences-- I deemed homeschooling to be, not only an acceptable option if that was my preference, but the option that would be the most effective in creating the superhumans I was confident my offspring would be.
I wanted a neat and tidy home, so I was drawn to minimalist books and blogs. If some is good-- less is better!
If I am going to invest time and money in an extracurricular for a child, then I want to find a really good studio/teacher/team, fully commit, and see them get really proficient!
I could go on, but I think I've made my point. I feel like this way of being is in my nature. It's how I think and how I like to operate. I like excellence. I think it's fun to work hard and see results. I don't share any of this to brag. In fact, I think there are several problematic aspects to this way of thinking and being. Can it feel frustrating to rarely, if ever, settle into contentment? Yes. Is there a significant degree of anxiety that I am never doing enough? Big yes. No doubt, a psychologist would have a heyday analyzing my need to prove my worth and my lack of self-acceptance. We'll leave that to a later post as well. For now, just know that although I feel my efforts regularly fall short of the mark I aim for, mediocrity is never my goal.
This leads me to the next acknowledgment of my flawed thinking.
I call it, "Yeah, but if I do it right...".
In my mind, it was a given that I would be a good mom. Just as in every other goal I undertook, I would set my mind and energy to parenting and it would go well. I read books about child development, attachment styles, and sleep training methods. I carefully noted when developmental milestones were early or late and promptly consulted experts when needed. I nursed babies for their first year and we responded to their cries immediately. If I was going to do this parenting thing, I was going to do it the right way and do it really well.
You see, I saw lots of other families whose children struggled.
With younger kids, it was tantrums, whining, picky eating, not sleeping independently, too much screen time, pacifier use for too long, being painfully shy, or refusing to share toys.
With their tweens it was refusing to do school work, talking back to their parents, dishonesty, not wanting to do chores, and fighting with and teasing siblings.
With teenagers we saw drug use, immorality, ignoring curfews, immodest clothing, sneaking out, gender identity issues, doubts in their family's belief systems, not wanting to spend time with the family, lack of meaningful communication with parents, poor friend choices, too much screen time with video games/social media.
And with the young adults, everything the teenagers were doing, leaving the faith they were raised in, divorce, arrests, questionable relationships and living arrangements, mental health challenges, unwanted pregnancy, and struggles to keep jobs.
So in all of my youthful pride and blissful ignorance, I had a solution to ensure we did not wind up (through the total fault of our own) with such dreadful children. We would simply do it right. I say "WE", but really, I am writing about my thought processes. We would, in reality, create superhumans. We would carefully curate their environments and associations. We would always do sit-down family dinners where open communication would be the supreme law. I would read aloud every day to the children and they would see me reading. How could they help but develop a strong appreciation for classic literature? They would all far surpass my musical prowess. In fact, they would all excel at an instrument and physical activity. We would surround them with every good and uplifting thing, so that beauty and truth would feel like home to them and they would have no desire to delve into darker places. My daughters would never have a desire to dress inappropriately because I would take them shopping and buy them really cute modest clothing. We would get to know the families of their friends. We would travel to enjoy nature and broaden our horizons. We would go to church every week-- even on vacation. But not just that-- but every single day, without fail, we would have family scripture study and family prayer and never miss a Family Home Evening. We would make an art out of following the prophet. We would support our children in their activities and performances. They would look up into the crowd and know they would see our proud, smiling faces. It would be our pleasure to mold these children into the best possible versions of themselves.
All of these things, and so many more, were elements of my quest for excellence in parenting. I trusted that my skills in observation and study had already helped me ascertain how to go about parenting and all that was left was to walk that path. Oh heck, I could do that! Work hard and watch the results of my efforts pay off? Sign me up! I was certain, that if we did it right, our kids would "turn out" great. More than great. Superhuman great.
I mean, other families have these problems with their children, because they didn't do it right. If they had done it better-- more or less discipline, more or less focus on healthy eating, more or less time at home, more or less time with friends, more diligence in gospel learning, more time tossing the football with dad, less body shaming, a healthier family mindset about money, too much media in the home, more talking and less telling, more traveling to broaden perspectives, less controlling parents, or delayed use of social media. They could have effectively molded their precious little souls, but for whatever reason, they messed up.
You get the idea. While I didn't verbalize my theory, I believed that struggling children were, at least partly, caused by deficient parenting. I mean, maybe the parents were doing the best they could, but it wasn't enough, and that's too bad. I bet those parents, in hindsight, would have done things differently, so as to avoid their children having to suffer because of their poor choices.
Yeah, you can see the problems here.
This way of thinking assumes a few things.
1. As a parent, I am not just a factor, but I am the determining factor in my child's mortal experience.
2. "Snowplow parenting"-- that is, trying to remove all obstacles and hardships from the path ahead of my child-- is both helpful and possible.
3. My efforts alone can provide enough light and goodness to completely, or at least mostly, negate the power of the adversary.
4. My children should and will welcome and appreciate my desire to mold them.
5. As a smart, capable, and righteous human being, I am capable of the kind of impeccable consistency and vigilance required for preventing ill influences from creeping into their lives.
6. There exists the one best, right way to parent. (see the previous post)
7. My spouse must agree with my parenting philosophy and be equally committed to the same level of diligence. If not, the lack of unity will undermine my efforts.
8. Outside forces such as health challenges, economic downturns, and changes in the political climate are no match for the strength and influence of parents who love each other and their children.
9. My children were given to me as blank slates or lumps of clay for me to mold into something great.
10. Their becoming superhumans (being pleasing to both God and man) is of supreme importance. If I have to sacrifice my relationship with them to help them be their best, so be it. (thank you, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother)
11. The proscribed path to God and success in life is extremely time sensitive and narrowly defined. It is decidedly and intrinsically problematic to miss milestones or take alternate paths.
12. I know better and should be better than most of the people around me.
13. If I mess up this parenting thing, I will cause irreparable damage to my children's eternal progression.
14. My children's eternal salvation is your responsibility.
I'm sure there are many more implied and COMPLETELY ERRONEOUS assumptions. Every single one I listed above is WRONG!
My expectations were based on my assumptions of what was true or possible. They have caused me quite a bit of parenting angst over the years, resulting in frustration and stress, strained relationships, anxiety and depression, obsessive efforts, and a diminished ability to enjoy the remarkable spirits I get to share an earthly home with.
I have, with varying degrees of success, striven to implement many of my "proper parenting" tactics. Many, but not all, still make sense and ring true to me. I feel they have served us well. So I will continue to strive for excellence in parenting-- it's still who I am and how I like to do things. But here is an updated list of assumptions I find to be more true and much more helpful in my quest to love God and love my neighbor-- in this case my own family.
---I have come to better understand that, for lack of a better description, I am not a God. How very disappointing, and yet what a relief! I am no one's Savior. I have God-given gifts and talents, some of which I have striven to develop, but I'm not that good. Not even close. I am his child, with divine potential to someday be like him through the grace of Jesus Christ. That's it. I am not and could never be that good on my own.
---I play "A " role, but not "THE" role in influencing and defining their identity. So many other factors at play that only increase their pull as children get older.
---They arrived here on earth with some already-developed traits. They are who they have always been and who they always will be. My role is to nurture and encourage and guide as they learn through their experience. But I don't get to write the store or mold the clay. That's between God and them.
---Just like me, they have agency-- the right and power to direct their lives-- given by THE actual God of the Universe. Trying to control another person is Satan's game. It's not even possible to control another person and trying to do so never ends well. Also, it's a tough thing to carry the weight of 10 people's agency. A tough thing and a pointless endeavor. Agency is non-transferable.
---They are HIS, not mine. They were never given to me. They were never my possessions. They were/are my stewardship and my God-given responsibility to care for and teach, but their immortality and eternal life, their eternal growth and progression is HIS work, NOT MINE. I have a duty to God to do right by them.
---Just because something seems "wrong" doesn't mean anything has gone wrong. He is the Master of "Making it Work". The Lord will see to it that we all have the lessons we need to choose HIM. He is not bound by time and it doesn't matter how long it seems to take for his purposes to be accomplished. What may appear to our understanding to be lost wanderings, he can and will use to teach and bring forth. He is playing a really long game and will be merciful and patient with his children. He is the original and best "Seeker of Lost Things"-- because those things aren't actually lost to him. He knows right where they are and just how to discover their hiding places. With love, kindness, patience, and gentle invitation, the Lord invites us to be in a relationship with him.
---Those gentle invitations are how I want to relate to my own family members. People are God's purpose, not the accolades of the world. I want to value my loved ones for who they are, not what they do or don't do.
---My children are not mere extensions of, nor reflections of myself. They are their own persons, and while their life choices may affect me, they do not define me.
--- God never has and never will put the onus of responsibility on me for anyone else's eternal standing with Him. He has asked that for my own development and benefit, I join him in the work of Salvation-- that is, in bringing souls (including my own) to Christ. But make no mistake, it is HIS WORK, not mine. I am not powerful enough to halt or change the direction of his work. I can and ought to lay down burdens was never meant to carry.
---Both Abe and I are just as flawed as we are wonderful. He has different ways of seeing and interacting with the world. We don't have to agree on everything. Although I don't always appreciate it, it is best that he doesn't parent just like me. We've made mistakes-- sometimes the same ones over and over again. We've struggled in ways I really thought we were too smart to fall for. We've learned some lessons the really hard way and we will continue to learn forever. There is progress to be made in the problems of life. Taking away the opposition also takes away the opportunities for growth and understanding. Like it or hate it, that's the plan. My futile attempts to shield my children from struggles, disappointments, and failures were never possible, or helpful. My own insecurities and struggles to disentangle my identity from theirs have made this challenging for me.
When I thought, "Yeah, but if I do it right..." I WAS WRONG. In a nutshell, I never could have done it right. I never could have parented well enough or right enough to bypass God's plan for his children. I was unjust and harsh in my judgment of others and myself. My assumptions were incorrect and the truth is, He is so much better at His work than I am at His work. He is so good and since we are his, we are good. Good and mortal and weak and flawed--the perfect combination in the perfect setting, for He is mighty to save.
1 comment:
Even more Beautiful & True!!!
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