In the Doctrine and Covenants we are counseled not to run faster than we have strength. To be honest, I don't think I've been following that counsel very well. Some of it is circumstantial, in that October 15- December 7 is Abe's absolute busiest time of the year with work-- the annual enrollment period for Medicare-- and he is basically out of commission for being much help at home. He's exhausted from long, grueling hours and consequently, my work load at home is markedly increased. We both just try to do what needs to be done while being as nice as we can to each other and the kids. But it's a tough couple months. Nothing that can't be managed, but the load of life feels heavier than usual. And that is in addition to the normal load of physically and emotionally supporting a large family. So yeah, I think we're all running faster than we enjoy right now.
My purpose in mentioning that sob story, is that for my mental health, I feel the need to focus on what I am grateful for. In years past our family has made "100 Things I'm Grateful For" lists. I don't know if I'll get to 100 here. This most certainly is for my own benefit. Some parts of what I write might be self-indulgent or obnoxious. I don't know-- I haven't written them yet:) I don't want to think through what order I should (what a horrible word) feel grateful. I don't want to compare depths of gratitude. I don't want anyone to feel badly if I don't mention my gratitude for them and I do for someone else. I don't want to worry about whether I deserve the thing I am grateful for or not, since I most certainly do not. I may work on this over the next few weeks or I might post it immediately.
I want to explore feeling grateful right now. I want to swim in it and feel the peace of it. Here I go....
1. Music. How it uplifts and inspires. I love listening to broadways soundtracks until I cry when I'm driving by myself. I love teaching my kids and my neighbor kids piano lessons. I love listening to children practice Christmas pieces in preparation for a recital. I love listening to Cannon improvise on the guitar, Bethany writing her own songs and singing her heart out, Elinor pounding out "Maple Leaf Rag" on the piano, Faith and Sariah practicing their duets, George banging away with perfect rhythm on his outrageously loud drum set in the basement, Peter's intense focus and determination to earn a "Fox sticker" for a piece played perfectly. Greta's very beginning plinking of the keys that will in time turn into beautiful musical expressions someday. Even Clark will sit down at the piano when he's home and play the piano a bit. I like it.
2. A new roof on our house. For several years we had an actual leak on our ceiling over our stairs when it rained. We knew it was there and we knew just where to put the pot to catch the water drops, but we didn't have the money to fix it. This summer we got a beautiful brand new roof. And we paid for it. Because we could. That was a big deal to us. And every single day I drive up to our house I look at our roof and I am grateful for it.
3. A day to try again. Literally, every day that I wake up and have my wits about me to decide what to do with my day. My body is healthy. I sleep well (usually). I wake up refreshed and ready to try again.
4. A country in which I enjoy a very high quality of life. People say things are terrible right now. Worse than it's ever been. Maybe they are as bad as they've ever been. I don't know. My husband and son aren't away fighting in a war. I go to the grocery store and buy what we need. We go to church even during a pandemic, even if it does look a little different. My children have the medicines they need to lead healthier, happier lives. I voted unmolested in the recent political election. I think there have been bad times before and there will be bad times again and a whole lot of good in between and at the same time.
5. The Chase children whose ages line up almost perfectly with my three youngest children. And they play together marvelously, with very little conflict. They are pleasant and easy to have around and their living down the street and playing with my little ones multiple times a week has made my life so much easier. They are here playing even as I write this. And everyday I thank my lucky stars for the Chase children and their wonderful parents-- Dan and Annie who are raising such great kids.
6. Camille Schramm, who is my morning walking partner. Can I possible tout the benefits of glorious morning walking loudly enough? Year round, whatever the weather we walk and we talk and we share. We talk through this stage of motherhood that has taken us both by somewhat unpleasant surprise. What is shared on the walk stays there. There is a trust that feels sacred. We experience the seasons and appreciate them. We share our weight loss journeys-- we are rockstars, btw.
7. My weight loss journey. I'm so glad to have figured out what do for my body to be at a healthier weight. No flour, no sugar. Occasionally it's tough, but mostly it feels amazing. I don't have great genes and of course, you never know how many days you have here on this earth, but I hope to enjoy as many as I can by healthier choices now.
8. My homeschool peeps. Some do, but most of my homeschool peeps don't homeschool anymore. Mostly because their kids are grown up. But they are still my peeps. They are inspirational with the projects they undertake. They are brave and daring and smart. I like to think I'm brave and daring and smart too, but with so many little still at home, my projects look an awful lot like they did ten years ago. And that is okay. Better than okay. Even still, I admire them and treasure their friendship.
9. Abe. His love, his diligence, his attention to detail, his cheerful nature, his forgiveness, his patience, his insistence on tradition, his dependability, his unselfishness.
10. No babies. You know I loved me some babies-- but I don't have a baby anymore. Greta is four. She's potty trained. She can buckle and unbuckle a car seat. She can get her own bowl and spoon out of the dishwasher and pour herself a bowl of cereal. It's not pretty, but she can do it. Babies are awesome and they are a lot of work. I am happy to be past the baby phase and I think I will happily welcome grandparenthood when that times comes, but this is pretty great.
11. Coaches and teachers. Shari Aston, Nate Anderson, SoungSik Kim, Coach Powers, Rachael Gill, John Shin, Keith Schramm, Jennie Creer-King, Maricar Drilon, Alice White, Joe White, Rachel and Crystal Jolley, Candice Lee, Coach Goldhardt, Andrea Golding, Adrianne Thygerson, Gary Wekluk. These are a few of the teachers and coaches that have patiently, or not so patiently, mentored my children. They've done what I couldn't have done on my own. They have been life changing.
12. Running water, electricity, a furnace, an air-conditioner, a washer and dryer, a stove, an oven, a microwave, a refrigerator. They are so basic and pretty much every house in America has them. And yet what comforts they bring us. We have it so good.
13. Cell phones. Speaking of modern conveniences-- the CELL PHONE! Are you kidding me? It's a miracle. A powerful computer right in your hand that can get you all sorts of information at the press of a button. I know this modern technology can open the doors for a lot of CRAP as well as good stuff, but this isn't really the time or place to focus on that. They are amazing and our communications are instant and miraculous.
14. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and every good blessing that makes it up and comes with it--Jesus Christ, temples, prophets, the Priesthood, revelation, scriptures, General Conference, sacrifice, church history, the Holy Ghost, the fruits of the spirit, truth, love, eternal families. It is everything and I love it.
15. Lori Fox is my sister-in-law married to Abe oldest brother, Daniel. We met when she and Daniel were newly weds and Abe and I were dating. We hit it right off and for some time she has been and remains one of my very dearest friends in the world. She is funny and warm and open and never judgmental and I love her.
16. Candice Lee does my nails every couple of weeks. That I even have nails to do is a miracle in an of itself! I bit my nails for roughly 40 years and now I don't and I have beautiful nails because she encouraged me and offered to do gel nails to help me stop biting. And she wasn't horrified by my nasty nails when I fell off the wagon. And she is gracious and lovely and kind and organized and just an all around seriously fabulous person. And she is my friend and I love her.
17. Young adult children who are moving forward and figuring things out. I recently heard the encouraging phrase, "The plan is working!" This is, of course, referring to our Heavenly Father's Plan of Happiness-- all things working together for our good-- His work and his glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man. When things are tough, don't worry-- the plan is working! When things are going well-- the plan is working. When you uncomfortably transition phases of life-- the plan is working! When your oldest child gets married-- the plan is working. When you encounter mental health challenges-- the plan is working. When the world is in a pandemic and everything feels upside down and topsy turvy-- yep, the plan is working. I love that. I think I need to cross stitch that. Too bad I don't cross stitch and have no interest in learning how.
18. Boys who love to dance, so they do. Not a lot of boys do what they do, but that's not a problem for them. I love brave, gutsy people.
19. Cars that function to get us where we need to go. We don't drive nice cars. Someday we might. I'd like to. But for now, this is what we have and for reasons we don't understand or deserve, our cars mostly just keep on functioning... except when they don't. But even when they don't, we have a car friend who resurrects them over and over again at beyond reasonable prices. We've had accidents with them and yet they just keep going. Amazing.
20. Modern medicine has improved the quality of life for every person in our family. My mom used to joke, "Better living through chemicals!" Which obviously can be taken way too far the wrong direction, but actually.... I am so grateful.
21. I live in Utah. I love living in Utah. I have lived other places and they are great too. But I love the mountains, the seasons, the dry climate, the sunsets. I love the people here. I love living in Salt Lake County with so many conveniences and options so easily available. I love my neighborhood.
22. Podcasts that enrich and elevate. I discovered podcasts about a year ago-- I know I'm a little late to the party. There are a lot of really uplifting, positive people out there ready and willing to share their wisdom. It's pretty great.
23. Audible books for people like me who need to have bigger ideas rolling around their heads, but can't find the time to sit down for a good read these days. I do, however, sit down a LOT for driving kiddos around to activities. And always try to have a good book going. I just finished The Angle of Repose. Wow. There is a lot there and don't think I even scratched the surface.
24. And speaking of homeschool... I do feel grateful for homeschool. I think a lot of good has come from that lifestyle and much good will still come. And our homeschool has changed, because I have changed. I don't have the relentless drive and worry about the children's future. I no longer feel the weight of it all depending on me. They are who they are and I will influence (hopefully for good), but I will not and cannot force them to become versions of themselves I would envision. I will offer every good thing I can and they will take some and reject some and take their own journey. I didn't feel that way 15 years ago.
25. Everything I get to learn in motherhood. Most recently I learned to dye hair. Granted, it is just the boxed hair dye from the local Walmart, but up until a few weeks ago, this was foreign territory to me. Then my girls asked me to help them restore their natural hair color after a summer hair lightening experiment and we figured it out. I know it's not rocket science, but now I know how to do it. And their hair looks great!
26. Always having a prayer in my heart has a new relevance now that I have more grown up children. I recognize that I have very little control of their choices-- which is just as it should be. But I can and DO pray for them all the time. I pray myself to sleep when I lay in bed at night. I pray drive. Sometimes I pray walk-- which is when I don't listen to a talk or podcast or book or music and instead I just talk to Heavenly Father while I do my morning walk. I pray and He answers and directs-- or sometimes he just listens and lets me unload my concerns and try to straighten out my thinking. I used to think I wasn't a very good pray-er and that I didn't pray enough. This is one area I know I've improved spiritually. Also, Mom Prayers are seriously powerful things.
27. Greta and Peter help keep me grounded. They are still easily entertained with snuggles and stories and snacks. And when I feel weighed down with big kids problems, that they can and ought to handle with less of my input, the answer from Heavenly Father is always to focus my energy on the little ones.
28. Sister-in-laws who over the years have become some of my dearest friends. I don't want to use this space to feel sorry for myself, but I will say that I haven't done much lately to foster these relationships. Can I blame COVID? While I am in favor of blaming COVID for as many things as possible , I would like to do better in the coming months-- COVID or no COVID. Part of the problem is so much of the group interaction is on social media and sometimes I just get so tired of social media. I fills you up, but doesn't satisfy.
29. Our cat is a beautiful creature. It's quiet and lets us hold it and cuddle it. It's quiet and doesn't meow to be let outside at 4 in the morning. It's the best cat that has ever lived. Do I exaggerate? No, I don't think I do. It is an amazing cat. Be jealous of my cat.
30. This house is not too big and only feels too small when we don't keep up our efforts to organize and tidy up. It's just right and I have loved the updates we did with painting and the flooring earlier this year. The flood from the dishwasher on the very morning of the big earthquake seemed like such a bad thing at the time. In the end, it was the catalyst to make the much needed changes. Funny how that seems to work.
31. Period dramas in general and specifically all things Jane Austen. I just love them. I don't think I've watched enough of them lately. That must be rectified.
32. I was able to schedule my students piano recital to be held in the Primary room of our church building. We usually use the local public library large meeting room. I was concerned about where to hold it and now it's scheduled. I'm glad about that. Also, my students pieces are coming along nicely. Also, my piano schedule works really well with my afternoon driving kids around schedule-- so that is great.
33. My mad scheduling skills are a thing to behold. I can plan and execute a schedule like nobody's business. Now our schedule might be is too full and we might benefit from a slower pace-- or not--- I obviously enjoy this style of living or I would do something different. My point is, I am grateful that my brain can make and plan and execute is almost to the minute from the moment I wake up until I fall into bed. Because that's what needs to be done right now and I'm thankful I have the mental resources to do it.
34. Faith's concussion at the beginning of the year was not a great start to the year. If you remember she had major issues for two or three months-- dizziness, balance issues, concentration problems, headaches. Scary stuff. I'm so thankful that she has fully recovered and it helped us discover some other ADHD challenges she'd be having for a a very long time that we hadn't realized were causing her so much trouble. Once again, blessings often arrived in unexpected and unpleasant packaging.
35. Clark and Alexa had a beautiful wedding this summer. That already feels like a long time ago. Is it just me or has it been 2020 for 10 years? I am grateful they have each other and were able to be sealed. And that so many dear friends came to celebrate them with us felt really good. You know, I think I'm just really missing people in general. Darn COVID. What a party pooper it is. I am grateful we've added Alexa to the Foxy Ladies. We love her.
36. I am grateful for watching the leaves blowing through the air like crazy when we were downtown today for Raven's bridal shower. So many leaves blowing so fast they looked like they were dancing along the ground. And since they looked like they were dancing and we were downtown it made me think of the boys doing the Nutcracker with Ballet West and what a happy memory that was. And how we've had opportunities to do some really cool stuff that I'm glad we did. Cannon and I heard a Newsies song come on our playlist the other day while driving to dance and we remembered back to Bluffdale's Newsies a little over a year ago. One of the happiest moments of my life to see Bethany and Cannon next to each other tap dancing to "King of New York". Those kinds of activities will return again someday and we'll feast on them and appreciate them even more. Until then, I'm grateful we have lots of great memories to snack on.
37. Walmart grocery pick up is a beautiful thing. Honestly, I wish I was organized enough to utilize it even more so that I never had to step foot inside the store again. But even still. It's glorious. I know it is their job and they are getting paid to do what they do, but am I the only one who feels guilty that some other person has to walk around doing my shopping for me? And then they don't even want me to get out of my car to help them load my groceries that they gathered for me, into my car. But once I get past my irrational guilt, it's the best thing in the universe! That being said, because I had to go into a Walmart to get a gift for Raven's shower, (because while I can execute a plan flawlessly, I am not so good at creating said plan far in advance) I saw the cutest Christmas kitty outfit for Greta. Which of course I had to buy because it had a kitty on it and Greta loves all things kitty and she is my youngest child and a girl and practically perfect in every way.... so anyway, if I hadn't had to step foot in the store I never would have known about the Christmas kitty outfit. So it's all good.
38. And it is ALL GOOD. That's the way I want to think. And why not? An exercise like this gratitude list is so helpful for changing perspective. On almost every one of these my brain wanted to argue the negative side to everything. Sure, that perspective is always open to me, but is it helpful? Does it help me feel better and be better? It takes effort to train my brain to look at the positives-- to see what there is to be grateful for all around me.
39. A storage room and a freezer full of food just as the weather turns cold. Tomorrow I think I'll snuggle up on the couch with the little ones and watch a movie. Doesn't that sound lovely. Don't you think the Sabbath day is about the loveliest, best thing every created. Ahhhh..... I can't wait.
40. I have made it to #40. I don't think I'll get to 100 tonight. Maybe I'll be back for more. Or not. I am grateful that I like who I am becoming. I like what I am learning. I like that Heavenly Fathers loves me enough to let me have the experiences I need. I like that sometimes I feel good and sometimes I feel bad. I can be happy, and I can be sad. I like knowing that I am a spiritual person having a human experience and it's messy. I like that he loves me completely just as I am. And I like that I am trying and learning that I can do the same for other people.
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